It will not last the night;
But ah, my foes, and oh, my friends—
It gives a lovely light!
(Edna St. Vincent Millay 1892 –1950)
I found myself reciting this poem in a meeting a couple of years ago. I love it. For me, it encapsulates the joy found in the fire of creativity. The freedom to enjoy the intensity. My candle is very much burning at both ends right now. I am in bed late and up early. It is 5am, the kettle has just boiled but I can’t quite step away from the keyboard just yet. I don’t want to interrupt the flow. I know it won’t last forever.
A sort of hyper-focus is nothing new for me. Friends have referred to me as ‘driven’. I sometimes look back on things and wonder where the energy came from. Years ago, when I started the Barefoot Beginner blog, it was generally assumed that it was a commercial enterprise being run by a team of people and writers. No…it was just me sitting at a keyboard burning the candle at both ends. After it had run its course, I embarked on a doctorate whilst working full-time. The focus it took to get it over the line was intense and the fire burned bright.
After it was completed, I worked on my wellbeing in sensible ways. I took advice, addressed my work life balance and slowed down. It was awful. I was miserable and ended up asking my boss if I could come for a chat. I don’t remember how the conversation started but I ended up reciting the poem from above and saying that I bored myself. I missed the fire. I had been sensible and turned the gas down to the point where my pilot light was flickering and in danger of going out.
Since then, I have dabbled with few things but none have really taken. Then a couple of weeks ago, out of nowhere, came Ageing Runner and the flame caught hold. I wrote the first post, hit publish and became unexpectedly emotional. It felt like many parts of my life had come together and led to this. It was both a relief and a release.
Ageing Runner feels very connected to a need to be creative. If I am going to run into my later years, I need to be mentally healthy. I want to understand myself better and to learn from those who know more than I do. There are many. People from all walks of life such as Professor Inger Mewburn, comedian Shaparak Khorsandi and runner Tom Mulchinock.
Professor Inger Mewburn describes herself as neurotypical but she also describes herself as having some ADHD traits such as ‘the ability to slip into a state of hyperfocus’. I don’t believe that I fulfil the criteria for a diagnosis but there was enough in there to make me want to know more and to sign up to Inger’s mailing list on the subject.
Comedian Shaparak Khorsandi, has just released a book called ‘Scatterbrain’ and last week I listened to her interview on the Full Disclosure Podcast. She has recently been diagnosed with ADHD and she describes both her mind’s ‘scatterbrain’ nature and her ability to hyper-focus. So much of what she said struck a chord and was recognisable for me. Shaparak describes how hard she must have been to be around. It made me squirm. I must be hard to be around sometimes too.
Shaparak also mentions discovering running as a way of managing her ADHD. Another chord struck. It joined the dots to an interview I listened to this week with Tom Mulchinock on the Running Tales Podcast. Tom likened running to the use of anti-depressants. He says that running helped keep his head above water whilst he worked on his life in other ways. It is hard to find a balance and avoid becoming over reliant. A common theme on the Running Tales podcast is the danger of running becoming an addictive crutch. Again, I need to know more.
I want to explore what balance looks like in my life and where both running and a creative outlet fit into that. I have followed conventional wellbeing advice and have ended up miserable. I think the advice is good, but my interpretation was in danger of snuffing me out. I am not going to let that happen.
For now, the gas is turned up and the burner is on. Loving every second.
Incidentally, the second poem in the book ‘A Few Figs from Thistles’ is much less well known.
SAFE upon the solid rock the ugly houses stand:
Come and see my shining palace built upon the sand!
(Edna St. Vincent Millay 1892 –1950)
Ageing Runner is not going to be a shining palace built on sand. It is much more likely to be an ugly house built on something solid. You can read a little bit more about those foundations here – Introducing Chris’s Ageing Runner Project (CARP).
Until next time.
We run, we chat, we smile!
Chris
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